Interview with Kaiju Big Battel's Dr. Cube
With Mr. Stinkhead & Jager
Dr. Cube is either feared or loved by the Kaiju community. He leads hordes of minions, and his creation Hell Monkey recently defeated crowd favorite Silver Potato in Philly Fighto in Philadelphia. We got a few words in with the inflapable Dr. Cube to see how his hidden, yet powerful mind works.
1. In three words or less, define yourself.
Brilliant, Intelligent, Smarter than thou.
2. Which monster did you create to battel first?
My first malevolent creation was a masterful splicing of Dinosaur and Kangaroo, known to the world as the original Dino Kang, not to be confused with Kaiju's playboy announcer Dino Kang Junior.
3. Which member of your posse would you consider your right hand man, er.. thing?
I treat every member of my posse with equality and fairness, although my satanic simian Hell Monkey currently holds the Kaiju Championship belt, which makes the thousands of hours I invested in bringing him back to life worthwhile.
4. Can you give us a look at your creative process for creating these beasts?
What goes on in my laboratory is between me and the monsters I create. Not even Geraldo could make it past the front gate.
5. What is your favorite material to work with? (metal, plastic, flesh,
Gene manipulation is the future of mankind. Molding the very material with which all of us are created makes me feel more powerful than your junior high class president.
6. It is said that you, Dr Cube, are the evilest of the Kaiju. How does
that make you feel?
I am ecstatic to learn that someone is finally telling the truth.
7. Tell us about your recent mastery of time travel.
The mastery of time travel lies not in harnessing space and time itself, but harnessing a creature designed to manipulate space and time by someone else. Let someone else do the dirty work, and then add your own improvements. It's the same reason the Japanese are the forerunners of technological advancement.
8. How do you plan to use this to conquer Earth? How would the Earth benefit from having you as its leader?
Mastering space and time is only a minor step in the process of conquering the Earth. There are many more revolutions, coups, and zoning laws I have to overcome before this measly sphere is in my control. How would the Earth benefit from having me as its leader? You'll find out soon enough.
9. Between you and me... the whole doctor thing... you get to see a lot of
Naked women are of no concern to me. You call yourself a professional journalist? You should be hosting morning talk radio.
10. Is there a Mrs. Cube? Maybe on the operating table?
If there were a Mrs. Cube you would all be in serious trouble. She'd be just like me, except a little more irritable at periodic intervals.
11. What is the process that allows one to go from minion to super
My super minions, unlike my average minion, have passed through rigorous tests combining both physical ability and mental capacity. It is safe to say that the base stock for most super minions are athletes and body builders while my minions are made out of fry cooks and art students. My minions are like your typical private, while my super minions are five star generals.
12. If I was to possess my own minions, how do I keep them in line?
Keep their skills sharp? Clean up after them?
Don't bother asking questions you couldn't comprehend the answer to.
13. Jay from the Kaiju big board wants to know "Why do you chop your
beloved creations into tiny bits and sell them like chunks of slaughtered animals?"
Humans, by nature, are consumers. I am giving the world what it so desperately needs, while ensuring myself a position in Fortune 500.
14. Silver Potato is having a nightmare, starring you. What do you do
to him that makes him sprout tater tots?
I'm surprised that silver spud has enough brain activity to think abstract thought, let alone dream.
15. Any secret maneuvers or creations coming up that you could hint at
to titillate our puny minds?
If I told you 1/16th of what I have in store your brains would explode with confusion and wonderment.
16. I understand you do not enjoy any type of popular music... what
sounds are music to your ears?
Heroes screaming, children crying, humans fleeing, buildings tumbling, bridges splashing into the ocean, small cities being crushed under the feet of my giant city crushing monsters, any sounds that accompany devastation and mayhem...
...and Burt Bacharach.
17. Though you hold no fears, none that I could comprehend anyway, what
adversarial weapon (appendage, fighting move, etc) do you hold the least respect for?
It would have to be breakdancing. I cannot think of a greater waste of time than body popping, top rocking, and electric boogie-ing to underground urban hymns.
18. How has Kaiju changed since you came on the scene?
Anyone who knows the history of Kaiju Big Battel can see a definite spike in the fanbase since I've leapt into the scene. Why do they watch you ask? They watch because they know I am the future of Kaiju Big Battel, and the world.
19. What would Kaiju be like without you? Softer? Misdirected?
It would be like watching professional women's basketball.
20. What is your favorite fortune-cookie sized nugget of wisdom?
I heard some slacker clerk at a video store once say I firmly believe in a ruling class, especially since I rule.
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