Music for Makin' Love
by I Heart Cake
Hello boys, I am going to help along your transformation from an Ensign of the NCC-1701-A (duh, from the movies not the series) to a Rear Admiral of Geek-Chic Playboy-ery.
 I like to think of "making out" as somewhat of an art form. And in my case I'd say I'm a seasoned professional. Lots of factors go into getting good action: Lights, temperature, easily undone buttons and zippers are key, but a good soundtrack is definitely priority #1.
It pretty much goes without saying that all death metal is suitable music to fog up windows to. I can't help you with slutty plastic porn star bimbos, but if you want to impress a girl of my caliber, a little pseudo-Brit mood music such as Longwave and a pair of bedroom eyes will guarantee you some below the belt action. Q and not U is a prime example of something to have ready in your CD player, be it car or bedroom.
I've compiled a list of discs all boys should have on hand for when a special occasion arises. You never know when passion will knock, so you need to be prepared always.
- H.I.M Razorblade Romance - Simply hot, just hot, enough said.
 Massive Attack Mezzanine - This should be a staple in your collection if you have a mouth, or at least something that resembles one.
- The Locust Plague Soundscapes - A must for those ridiculous make out sessions that consists of much twitching and crazy speed.
- Longwave The Strangest Things - Just by hearing the first song, you will want to put your lips somewhere...keep it clean.
 Denali's self-titled record. Just have it, okay?
- Q and not U No Kill No Beep Beep - Keep the volume at light decibels and enjoy the moment.
- The Blood Brothers This Adultery is Ripe - It has the word adultery in the title, and this brat rock will most likely make you loose control. Proceed with caution.
 Chris Isaac Wicked Game - Who can resist this song? The video is burned into the synapse of all of us and it is the pinnacle of sexy elvis-esque hair.
Some things to steer clear of would be any type of cheese rock, such as Def Leopard's Pour Some Sugar On Me. The opening drumbeat alone is enough to ruin any sexy moment in no time flat. And please discard or burn all Dashboard Confessional CDs. Whoever told you it would be a good idea to try and grope while hearing Chris Carabba's annoying, melodramatic, whiny tales of broken hearts, must have been on some serious dope. It is almost certain that in the event of you playing a Dashboard song, your make out session will be cut short due to both parties searching for Advil to try and numb the aching headaches that will inevitably ensue.
 Hopefully you will actually pick up what I'm throwing down. I'm obviously smart, and I know what I'm talking about. Write it down and make flash cards, whichever way will help you remember what's good and what's just terrible. Stick to the basics, boys. Songs of sadness, death, and sex will suit just fine.
P.S. Talk of wrestling is never acceptable while making out. Ever. [Ed Note:Uhh...unless it's post-coital...then it should be okay right?]
Pitch your questions, suggestions or rebuttals in the offical Make-Out Music message board thread
You got the music down, now let's fix up your pad. Be it a dorm room or atomic fallout shelter.
Article and contents copyright 2003 MillionairePlayboy.com
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