Big Man on Campus: Your Living Space
with Mr. Stinkhead

Just because your college living space is not suitable for one federal inmate, (much less two), doesn't mean that you can't take control and still be successful with the ladies. We're going to attempt to break this down into easy steps you can take to improve your chances of scori—successfully impressing a female. You're one of us. You want to collect action figures, you want to score with a girl. These don't have to be opposing goals.

The Smell
I start with the smell because no matter what, even if she was born without a nose, the first thing a potential date will notice is the smell. This is a law of nature. It's an uphill battle when you don't have ample air circulation, or there are four armpits in one 8'X8' cell. None the less, you can cover it up. Not only are candles usually outlawed on campus dorms, they look gay.

• Spend a couple of bucks and buy a plug-in air freshener. It's tough choosing the right flavor, these can make you smell gay too, but Vanilla is good and over powering. Even after 2am Taco Bell binges. (We've field tested this). They can get a little pricey, and don't last longer than a month or two.
  


• As a back up we recommend those $1 a can Air Wizard whatevers. You can spray liberally, all semester long, and it won't die on you. I recommend a good blast every day before you leave for class, and 15 minutes before you anticipate guests. Don't do it right as they walk in, however. First off, it's pretty strong the first 5 minutes, and it looks like you just farted.
  


• As far as smoking goes, cigarette smoke will cling to everything. Try only smoking outside or when you have the window open and the fan going full blast. You're in college, I'm sure someone there knows how to get the odor of smoke out a window.
  


• Incense is alright... there's only one type I approve of though, and that's Nag Champa, comes straight from India. It's slow burning and the smell is great. You can get it at Tower Records and any self respecting hippie store.

Decor
Technically, if you conquer the smell problem, you're chances of having someone spend the night just rose 200%. I haven't seen you, so I don't know how much help you really need, but that's the biggest hurdle. You like comic books, or action figures, or both. You want to be true to your passions, but you still want to get laid. Here's what we recommend. Moderation. You really don't have a lot of space, so take it easy. Generally 1-5 action figures proves you're a collector.

Action Figures
Don't:

• Star Wars or Star Trek - Don't display figures or posters or anything. It's not our fault, but there is a dorky, non-layable quality that girls will see in a Star anything collector. Leave 'em at home.
  


• Spawn and assorted monsters - I love McFarlane Toys and the work they do, I honestly do. But you will send off a major creepy vibe to girls if you have anything gross or bloody. Girls have enough gross things in their lives, they don't need to see it at your place. You'll remind them of that creepy guy who had a lizard in high school. He's not "gettin' any" either.
  


• Playmobil - this kills me. You know playmobil are my favorite toy. However, I'm going to recommend your collection stays at home. First off, the ladies will mistake how cool you really are for how young you'll look. And the super bad-ass playmobil, such as the executioner, will disappear quickly. I guarantee it.

Do:

• Muppets—are our first recommendation. They're cool figures, and the chicks truly dig them. Not only will they like looking at them, they'll like talking about them. And any girl that is talking to you, is not leaving.
  


• Comic Book figures—if you're a die-hard comic collector, the Mini-Mates aren't a bad way to go. They're small, and they let you show you're a comic collector. Leave the collection of Legends at home.
  


• Anime—A surprisingly large portion of girls [Ed note: and large portioned girls, fa fa fa] dig anime stuff. The cute stuff, not so much the robots. Their loss. I don't personally don't know which particular anime figures will get you laid over other ones. But this is a good thing to explore.
  


• Lord of the Rings—We're going to go ahead and recommend Armies of Middle Earth here. They're cool looking, they're small, and they look more like art than action figures. I do say put on the brakes and limit to only 3 or 4 figures, an army will drive the female forces away.
  


• MOC vs. Loose Figures—It's true, figures left in their package have a little bit more class than loose ones. I personally open up everything I get, but in a college dorm, a few MOC figures are easier to display (tacked to the wall) and will survive college life a little better. Their cards will probably not remain mint, but the figure itself won't lose a head so quickly.

Posters/Wall Hangings
A good friend pointed out to me that college kids look at bland, boring walls all day. So try to cover up as many blank surfaces as possible. And me being all domesticated and shit, I'm going to tell you this is the last time in your life that you'll be able to get away with covering every last inch of wall/ceiling space.

Don't:

• Titty/Swimsuit Posters—Do not hang up any poster that uses a girl to advertise beer. No busty calendars or Perfect Woman posters. This just doesn't help. You can still decorate with hot ladies though. Get a movie poster with a sexy femme fatale on it, or classy, artsy prints. Black and white works. Titty posters kind of advertise that you don't get laid. Here's some cool swanky stickers from Tower Records. Postcards of hot girls are ok too.
  


• Don't put up anything from high school. You can always spot a freshman, there's some lingering HS memorabilia. Be it a ring or a jacket or a pennant in their room. You're not in high school any more. Period.
  


• Comic book/ sci-fi /fantasy—Again, there is an unfair nerd stigma attached to these images, and it just won't help the cause.

Do:

• Super bad-ass MPb wall clock. This puppy will instantly class up any room. It's time to get it on.
  


• Check out our recommendations on hanging vintage record albums in frames and if you can trust your friends, nudie matchbooks from the 70's. (I can see those disappearing from a dorm wall though).
  




• Tapestries—tie-dye or foreign looking, they're available everywhere. Particularly hippie stores. Ask someone who has them. You can cover large surfaces, be stimulating, and look suave. Jager points our you can also make a faux room by hanging it over the side of your bed. Chicks dig privacy. Especially if you have a roommate.

Additional Touches

• You need at least one picture of you and a girl. It can be an ex, it can be a sister, hell, it can be Photoshopped... but you have to give the impression at least one other female on the planet dug you enough to be photographed with you. This is one of those small things chicks look for.
  


• Why not continue the hipster theme and print out our swanky cool light switch plates on uncut sticker paper? They're free.
  


• Go to Wal-Mart or wherever, buy a few yards of fabric (solid or leopard. That's it) and cover up that fugly couch of yours. Everyone has a fugly couch, it's ok, but nobody is going to want to make out on it. And you don't even need to do a good job, just kind of cover it all up and tuck in the cracks.
  


• Sloppy vs. Gay—this is tricky. You do want to clean up a bit, but not so much you freak out your roommate or attract other guys. Food goes in the trash can immediately. Clothes, can be laid about and re-worn.

Supplies to Keep Handy

• $20 to be saved for emergency beer/pizza run FOR A GIRL—I wish someone had told me this. Cash was always a problem for me in school, and there were many, many times I could have closed the deal if I could have been spontaneous and picked up some pizza. Hide the $20. Later, when you least expect it, you will have the opportunity to say Hey, I'm hungry. Want to stick around for some pizza? I'm buying. No chick will turn down free food. Especially sorority girls. ZING!
  


• Spare toothbrush—pick up a $.99 toothbrush from CVS or wherever and leave it in the package. It may not be the deciding factor in whether or not she spends the night, but you can force her to come up with a better excuse than I don't have a toothbrush.
  


• Condoms—c'mon, do I even need to tell you? Here's some advice. In an emergency, never use the parachute from one of those para-trooper green plastic army men. And especially don't forget to remove the army man.

Fun Toys for Playing With
You may lose these to grabby hands... just be warned.

• We've shown you how popular the Hulk Hands are. They're good and durable, and popular with the non toy/comic collecting crowd. Nobody can ignore these things. Especially sleeping cats. Used to be sleeping cats
  


• Maybe it's me, but a party-sized variety pack of Play-Doh has been surprisingly fun. Don't make up an activity, just kind of have them available for them to squeeze and kneed in their hands. It's their subconscious way of telling you want they want done to their breasts.
  


• Electronic TALKING Gooey Louie, we've also shown you that girls do dig the Goo. I will also mention that you can show off your dexterity with this game. Be gentle, but persistant.
  



• Karaoke machine, if you want to turn your room into a place where people hang out and get drunk, this helps. If you already have a room where people hang out and get drunk, this thing is priceless.

This really isn't a toy, well kind of. Anyway, this is what you do. You buy two or three, or more Thanks You Were Great teddy bears from our store. Hide them in a drawer or in your closet. The morning after a great night, you have an appropriate gift to hand her before she leaves. You'll look thoughtful, and when she says how much she loves it, tell her it's real easy to get another one.

Well this is a start. We can't guarantee success, but every little bit helps. Trust me. Come back soon for our next installment in our three part series. The next one will focus on you, the next big man on campus.

Good Luck

This is a growing article, and we want to constantly be a help to our readers. If you have any additions to this article, please let us know.

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