This week we celebrate Thanksgiving. What better way to celebrate it than celebrating the next holiday, Christmas! Once dinner is over settle in front of the TV and watch any of the numerous Christmas films that will play over and over again until Christmas day. A majority of them are pretty bad, but there is nothing more satisfying than the cheesy ones. That is why this week I list the Essential Seven Cheesy Christmas films. Don’t miss them!
(Editors Note: Since I won’t be updating the site on Thursday or Friday, I am posting this weeks list today. )
7) The Christmas Shoes
The Christmas Shoes film is based on the novel, which is based on a song, which is based on an internet legend of a kid who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his mother. The film takes a 2 minute story and expands it into a 2 hour film starring Rob Lowe. You see the kids mom is sick and dying, and he wants her to look nice for Jesus. Touching isn’t it? I know this is supposed to inspire people to remember what Christmas is all about but I’m not buying it. For me though it sounds like a scam cooked up by some punk kid. Next thing you know he needs that Nintendo Wii so his momma can play Zelda in heaven.
6) Holiday in Handcuffs
Trudie (Melissa Joan Hart or “Sabrina”) can’t keep a man. Minutes before leaving to visit her family for Christmas, her boyfriend Nic breaks up with her. So Trudie kidnaps David (Mario Lopez or “A.C. Slater”) and has him pretend to be her boyfriend Nic. For some reason David plays along. At the end of the film both has fallen in love. In a strange next move, Melissa Joan Hart, starred in another movie where she pretends to have a boyfriends called My Fake Fiance. I have also read that a sequel is being made Holiday in Handcuffs 2. Apparently Melissa Joan Hart is the go to actress for desperate women roles.
A lot of Christmas films take the idea of Santa Claus’ children taking over the family business. Snow follows that same storyline. The film begins with Nick Snowden (Tom Cavanagh) who is about to become the next Santa Claus. Three days before Christmas a hunter captures one of his reindeer and takes him to a zoo. Nick attempts to rescue the reindeer and falls for Sandy (the very hot Ashley Williams), who works at the zoo. She lives in a boarding house with eight-year-old-Hector who lost the spirit of Christmas. Nick must rescue the reindeer, screw attract the girl, and remind the kid about Santa Claus. A sequel, Snow 2: Brain Freeze, was released last year. The film centers around Nick as Santa Claus who forgets who he is. Another reoccurring theme in Christmas films.
4) Santa Clause the Movie
Fresh off of the Superman films Alexander and Ilya Salkind produced this film to answer the many mysteries of Santa Claus. How did he become Santa Claus? How does his reindeer fly? How can you make Dudley Moore so unfunny and gay? My biggest complaint about the film was the character of Joe. The film wants us to believe that he is the only child in all of New York that’s homeless? Santa “helps” Joe by letting him fly in the sleigh on Christmas Eve, and then just leaves him to defend himself for the next 364 days of the year. The only redeeming performance is by John Lithgow as B.Z. the evil toy company .
3) Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus
Steve Guttenberg plays Nick son of Santa Claus. In order to take over the family business he must find a wife. With help from Quark from Deep Space Nine, he finds his future bride in Helen from Wings (Crystal Bernard). Nick helps his future bride with her advertising job, and helps to make her believe in Santa. In a surprise twist they don’t get married at the end of the film. That event takes place in the sequel Meet the Santas.
2) Christmas Everyday
Christmas Every Day stars Erik Von Detten as Billy Jackson, a goofy teenager forced to relive the Christmas Day over and over again until he realizes the true meaning of Christmas. Billy must make the perfect Christmas while facing a school bully, hit on the hot girl Diane, keep the old lady from eating cat food, and stop his uncle from bringing a mall into the small town. Eventually Billy creates the perfect Christmas, and realizes what Christmas is all about, making the perfect jump shot in basketball.
1) A Very Brady Christmas
Mike and Carol fly the Brady kids with their spouse’s and their children to reunite for one big family reunion. However, not everything is happy in Bradyland. Greg’s wife wants to spend time with her family. Marcia’s husband lost his job. Peter is upset that his girlfriend is his boss. Jan and her husband Phillip are separated. Bobby has dropped out of grad school to become a racecar driver, and Cindy is upset that she is still treated like a little kid. At the end of the film Mike is trapped in a collapsing building. The Brady’s give him strength to break free with their rendition of O’ Little Town of Bethlehem.
The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at MillionairePlayboy.com believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion!