Essential Seven Santa Clauses

Santa has been portrayed numerous times by some of the best actors in the world. Anybody can look like him by putting on the red suit and a fake beard. But not every “Santa performance” is a memorable one.  An actor needs that special something to really pull it off. Of course this list doesn’t just take acting into consideration. Sometimes it is just a memorable scene that we can’t get enough of. Eating the cookies meant for Santa, here are the Essential Seven Santa Clauses:

7) Artie Lange

Buddy the Elf instantly knew that the Gimbel’s Santa was a fake. Sitting on a throne of lies and smelling like beef n’ cheese, Artie Lange portrayed the fake Santa in Elf. Buddy doesn’t like that he is lying to the children and gets into a fight with fake Santa. In the film, Ed Asner portrayed the real Santa, but when you think of the film, this is the Santa we remember most!

6) Jeff Gillen

Ruling from the top of Higbee’s Department Store, Jeff portrayed Santa Claus in A Christmas Story. Santa is Ralph’s last hope at getting a Red Ryder BB gun. After a long wait he finally makes it to the top. The store is closing, the elves are irritable, and kids smell like tapioca. Sitting on Santa’s lap, Ralph freezes and forgets what he wants. Santa recommends a nice football. Ralph agrees and starts to slide back down. Realizing he made a mistake, he quickly tells Santa about the gun. Santa’s reaction is the same as his mother and teachers. “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid!”

5) Billy Bob Thornton

Every Christmas Willie, along with his partner Marcus, take jobs as Santa and his elf in a mall. On Christmas Eve they rob the mall, and repeat the caper again next year. Billy Bob Thornton is the worst Santa Claus in mall history.

4) Tim Allen

In The Santa Clause Tim “The Toolman” Taylor (Scott Calvin) scares the crap out of  Santa Claus allowing him to fall to his death. Scott then proceeds to put on the dead Santa’s clothes. This “Santa Clause” turns him into the new Santa.

3) David Huddleston

David Huddleston was an excellent choice to portray Santa Claus in the Salkind’s biopic of Kris Kringle. His performance was sincere and you really believed he cared. He was the only adult that gave a crap about the poor homeless kid Joe. Sadly, even Santa really didn’t help him. The kid was homeless. Joe needed money, food, or even shelter. Santa could have given him any of these things, but chose to give him a ride in his sleigh and a wooden sculpture of an elf!

2) Douglas Seale

Douglas Seale’s portrayal of Santa Clause was the highlight of Ernest Saves Christmas. His performance of Santa was innocent, sincere, and the main reason to watch the film. Days before Christmas, Santa is looking to transfer the job to the next Santa, Joe Carruthers. Ernest in the only person that believes him, and helps him convince Joe. “Know what I mean?”

1) Edmund Gwenn

It would be an injustice not to put Edmun Gwenn as the Essential Santa Claus. Afterall, he did win the Academy Award for his performance in Miracle on 34th Street. I love the film, but the little girl really is a spoiled brat. Look at what she asked for Christmas.  A house! If you didn’t always get what you asked for, I guess its because Santa needs to prove to a non-believing kid that he does exist.

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion! 😉

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