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Essential Seven Shitiest Dads

7dadIt’s Fathers Day again, where we honor our father for everything they do for us. We buy them ties, cards, and mugs saying “World’s Greatest Dad!” But what about the shitiest dads? Should they be honored? Probably not, but let’s identify the Essential Seven Shitest Dads!

7) Earl Cross

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Who is he?
Earl is the father of Frank  and James Cross from the film, Scrooged.

What Makes Him Shitty?
As a boy all little Frank wanted for Christmas was a “choo-choo.” So what does Earl buy him? Five pounds of veal. Not only is that a terrible gift for a 4-year-old boy, but its veal! Young calves are kept in inhumane conditions just for their meat.

What Became of His Children?
Frank Cross became a conceited, cynical television programming executive who is taught the true meaning of Christmas by three ghosts.

Final Thought
Real good Earl! Maybe next time you can get your kid a fucking train. Also expect a call from PETA!

6) Charles Bing

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Who is he?
Charles is the father of Chandler Bing from the TV show Friends.

What Makes Him Shitty?

First, let’s examine what he named his son, Chandler Muriel Bing. That’s enough just to make the list! Next Charles came out of the closet admitting his affair with the pool boy on Thanksgiving!  This one event caused Chandler to hate the holiday. Then,  Charles slept with his teacher, Mr. Garibaldi, and hit on his best friend Ross. Finally, in the ultimate embarrassment Charles started his own Las Vegas show called “Viva Las Gaygas” and performs under the pseudonym Helena Handbasket.

What Became of His Children?
It’s amazing that Chandler turned out as normal as he did. The neurotic Friend grew up with only one major problem, he hates Thanksgiving! Who hates Thanksgiving?

Final Thought
Charles, your son can’t enjoy turkey without thinking about you snuggling up with the pool boy.

5) George Bluth Sr.

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Who is he?
George is the father of Michael, Lindsay, George Oscar (GOB), and Byron (Buster) on the TV show Arrested Development

What Makes Him Shitty?
George Bluth Sr. was the CEO of the Bluth Company, until he was jailed for “creative accounting” practices. While in prison, George exerted control over the company, manipulating his children to do his dirty work.

What Became of His Children?
By the time he went to prison, all of his children were already spoiled adults.

Final Thoughts
Sometimes too much money can hurt your kids.

4) Al Bundy

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Who is he?
Al is the father of Kelly and Bud on the TV Show Married with Children.

What Makes Him Shitty?
Al is more interested in hooters, nudie mags, beer, and going to the “nudie” bars, than his children.

What Became of His Children?
Kelly became the stereotypical dumb blonde bimbo, and Bud’s obsession with women’s breasts keep him from succeeding in life.

Final Thought
In some ways I pity Al. His wife Peggy treats him like garbage.  That doesn’t mean he can’t care about his kids.

3) Peter Griffin

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Who is he?
Peter is the father of Chris, Meg, and Stewie on the TV show Family Guy

What Makes Him Shitty?
He really doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Once in a while he shows interest in Chris, but Meg and Stewie are usually ignored or mistreated.

What Became of His Children?
It’s pretty obvious that none of his children will grow up normal.  The good thing is that they are cartoons. Cartoons never age.

Final Thought
Peter is the reason that people should have a license to have children.

2) Tony Soprano

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Who is he?
Anthony “Tony” Soprano is the father of Meadow and Anthony Jr. on the HBO show The Sopranos

What Makes Him Shitty?
Tony really cares for his kids. He takes part in their sporting events and wants them to have every opportunity in life. His biggest hopes is that his children don’t follow in his footsteps. However, his footsteps is what makes him a shitty dad. Being the mob boss of New Jersey forces Tony to make some really bad decisions.

What Became of His Children?
The series finale gave us the impression that Meadow and A.J. would be ok. Meadow plans on attending med school, and A.J. was working in Little Carmine’s production company.

Final Thought
Tony is lucky enough to have money and power to make sure his kids live a good life.

1) Anakin Skywalker

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Who is he?
Anakin is the father of the fraternal twins Luke and Leia from the Star Wars films.

What Makes Him Shitty?
Anakin wipes out the entire Jedi order not knowing that his children were ever born. He then eventually kidnaps and attempts to kill his children.

What Became of His Children?
Because of a lack of a father figure, Luke and Leia grew up not knowing they were siblings. They lusted after each other for years until Ben Kenobi broke the news that they can’t become one with the force.

Final Thought
Not being there for your kids confuses them and leads them to incest. That’s really the ultimate shit dad move.


The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at MillionairePlayboy.com believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will promise not to laugh at your dumb opinion! 😉


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