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R HunterMattel's GUTS
Review by R Hunter


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Private Jones
Corp. Burns
Quiet Seasoned Veteran
War is hell.

This is not the easiest concept to sell to kids but Mattel tried with GUTS. I loved these things to no end.

Here are some memorable moments:
I ask my dad for money for dinner because I was going to the mall with my uncle. He gave me $2.00. I am not 50 and inflatation would not increase one cent for current times. This was 1988. My uncle bought lunch so I blew the two dollars on a discounted pack of GUTS at Kaybee. I picked the green beret set because it had a doggie. My dad felt the need to breed dogs ... whether they chewed my figures for fun or by his conditioning, I'll never know.

They were about 3 inches tall and usually had four different colors painted on them. The sculpts were pretty shitty by today's standards. Some look like the soup whittling of a sour prison bitch. Keep crying Nancy.

Corp. Burns
Sgt. Rex
Brave All-American

You could have the following sets:

  • Lazer Troopers - futuristic and doubled as snow troopers
  • Ninjas - stupid and ugly with one decidedly non-ninja wearing a Middle Eastern style sheik hat
  • Frogmen - Cool color scheme but not of much use if you read below
  • Jungle Fighters - By far the best with in-shape shirtless rebels that had a Latin American flavor
  • Green Berets -My second favorite with normal soldiers with normal guns and cool poses
  • Army - Not sure about the name but these guys were my third favorite, but kinda boring
  • I seem to recall maybe a year later playing near the construction being done to our house.

    I don't know if I am alone but the eminent danger of falling on a sharp rod or setting up a rock barricade on a shaky load-baring beam was a narcotic to me. Huge dug-up sand piles with wood splinters be damned.

    Private Jones
    Private Jones
    Young Upstart
    The construction had formed a small concrete indentation that collected water when it rained.

    Imagine: Finally a scenario for the frogmen outside of the embarassing nudity of the tub.

    There were hours of fun going down here, like the fat jungle fighter (I name thee Patches) getting shot in the back and drowning 'cause he was paralyzed.

    Here we see Carlo, tatooed Leader of Las Guerillas. But can he be trusted?

    War is hell. We've all been flat on our stomachs, face first in carpet and lint. Your knees are rug burned and there is probably a dozen frizzies or fuzzies (As the Viet Cong say) stuck to your sweat soaked hair.

    You squint your eyes and duck behind the small plastic sergeant taking cover behind the couch leg.

    And that's when your parents/girlfriend/princible/boss walks in. Don't make an excuse just nod your head in shame and crawl under the desk.

    Pissing yourself will mark this territory for later.

    Harry Paratestes
    Commander Harry Paratestes
    Pics:
    • Lt. Vaughn - Handsome Leader
    • A sniper sizes up Patches.
    • Woo-Hoo!, I can see the Efifel Tower!
    • Can you hear me now - BITCH?!
    • Some figures shown here have been painted by me, ones you buy on eBay will suck even more.
    • This scene of tranquility led to more sorrow. Ultimate SWEETness
    • By installing handle bars on the cliff wall, the soldiers could piss anywhere.
    • Hee hee! He's sporting a teeny back pack like the high school girls wear.
    • Carlo, one more time for the ladies.



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