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On the evening of May 31st Kaiju Big Battel hit Philadelphia, PA and MillionairePlayboy witnessed the earth shattering fun. For new-comers to the scene, Kaiju is a battel of epic proportions where monsters, robots, aliens, insects, plastic-surgeons-gone-mad, and even potatoes fight for the future of the world. According to Kaiju documents, the fierce combat has been going on for centuries. Often times it is the cause of a "natural" disaster such as an earthquake. Sources close to the scene report the battels occur in various cities throughout the land, scheduled by the Commissioner (bio) who works for the Kaiju Regulatory Commission (KRC). Their mission is to schedule the battels of these monsters at various venues in order to control this insanity (and make a buck). The beasts engage in the only suitable place for such mayhem: the square circle. They can be found at concert venues and other auditorium type places where crowds of rowdy fans congregate to cheer for their favorite combatant. Or boo in the direction of their least. Mr. Stinkhead and I had the pleasure of being ringside for the event in Philadelphia. It was amazing.
We arrived early in the evening in the hopes of a pre-party, but alas we just stood in the rain. But the fans shrugged off the weather and were excited to witness the spectacle. Some even came dressed as make-shift Kaiju, battling with each other until the Dr. Cube imposter broke a claw causing him to call a "time out" to grab his duct tape. When the doors did open, fans poured into the venue, staking claim on their spot. We chose our spot right up front and readied ourselves for the mayhem. The crowd filtered in mixing young and old alike, all prepared to witness what could be the battle to end all battles. The ring was surrounded by a cage to contain the beasts and protect the innocent gawkers. Inside the ring stood the peaceful city, unknowing of the carnage about to hit. Combatants were ushered down the ramp to the ring, showboating and/or throwing slime all the way. The battle is fast furious and barely under control by the referee Jinji (bio), Louden Noxious (bio) the announcer, or the feisty Salbinos (bio) - who clean up and rebuild between matches.
The matches begin with the expected revelry of introductions and fans cheering or booing as they walk down the ramp to the city. Once both combatants are finished with the formalities, the battel begins. And oh, what glorious destruction follows! We saw a total of four matches with an audience participation thrown in for even more fun.
The first match pitted Unibouzu (bio), a radioactive sea urchin style creature, against Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle (bio), a giant can of chicken noodle soup who is master at kung-fu. In this battle we saw Unibouzu fly from the top of the cage as well as some high kicks from the master who is soup. The city was demolished and the fans were happy. Even though Uni called in the help of Call-Me-Kevin (bio), a spiky sea creature, who brought a large cinder block, Kung-Fu came out on top.
In the second match, which wasn't really to be a match at all, we all saw why we should dust under the couch. Dusto Bunny (bio), a giant dust bunny come to life, was invited down to reenact an Easter party he recently had. He didn't invite Gomi-Man (bio), (a large trash monster created by the evil Dr. Cube), to the shin-dig because the creature's smell is too much to tolerate. This hurt the toxic monster's feelings and he decided to crash the party Kaiju style! As Gomi-Man came down the entry way he threw very smelly toxic waste from his canister into the audience. The battle was heated and things looked bad for the hero when he was attacked first with a broom, and then a vacuum cleaner. But the bunny hopped to it and took home the victory.
The third battel was a tag team royale with Team Space Bug'sSky Deviler (bio), a dimwitted space bug, and Mota Naru (bio), a bug of living lava, fighting the Heroes'American Beetle (bio), a giant beetle of patriotic power, and Slo Feng (bio), the motorcycle riding hairy Viking fighter. In order to reduce cheating, the commissioner ordered that those not tagged into the match hold a rope with a great weight at the other end. If they let go to cheat, they'd be smashed. The only thing this accomplished was giving the combatants something else to pummel each other with. Things looked bad for the good guys, until the crowd started cheering U-S-A, U-S-A!. This brought the beetle back from behind and he led the team to a victory.
Throughout the evening we were told of the mysterious disappearance of the fan loved Los Plantanos (bio), who are twin freedom fighting plantains. The two had been kidnapped and it looked like the audience participation, which they usually host, would have to go on without them. After a comic geek and Philly homeboy were brought out to bust a piñata, two plantain look-alikes came out and started wrecking the place. Suddenly our heroes, the real plantains, came forward still tied together. The four fought ferociously, but the imposters had done their homework and knew all the heroes' moves. After two smartly played time outs, Los Pantanos won back their pride and respect among the Kaiju.
The final battle was for the belt, and it pitted the break dancing potato-man, Silver Potato (bio) against Dr. Cube's Hell Monkey (bio), a monkey raised from the dead and improved upon by the Doctor. This was the best battel by far. The spud seemed to have everything under control until Jinji, the ref was incapacitated. That's when Dr. Cube's posse took over the ring and not one but two Super Minions attacked the silver hero. Finally, after a horrible beating and being thrown out of the cage, the monkey pinned Silver Potato and Dr. Cube claimed the belt once again.
The evening was an assault on our senses. Fun, carnage, yelling, and a little slime were had by all in attendance. If this comes near you, you have to check it out. We were proven that a two hour wait in the rain was worth it.
How long will Kaiju Big Battel go on? Until the fate of the world is finally settled. Will Dr. Cube have his way and rule with an iron fist, or will the heroes save our world and the way of life we've come to rely on? Only time will tell.
More fun images:
When Louden enters, he looks spiffy. It doesn't last.