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Work Out While Toy Shopping
by Dr. Stinkhead*

© 2003 MillionairePlayboy.comYeah yeah, we promised no health articles on our site, but you're going to like this one. See health experts recommend working out three times a week or more. If your work out is a trip to Toys R Us (from here out called the gym), then you must go three times a week or more. Catching on?

Warm Up (100 calories burned)
One of the easiest things you can do to get healthier is to walk more. Don't go for walks, that's gay. Add more walking to your routine. When you drive into the Toys R Us... I mean the gym's parking lot, park further away from the entrance than usual. Just walking that extra few yards gets your heart pumping a little bit more and warmed up for the heavy stuff. There are all kinds of times during your natural routine you can add walking by taking the stairs rather than the elevator, but that stuff is for people genuinely concerned about their heart. We scoff at them.

Legs and Calves (200 calories burned)
You've entered the gym, and the smell of fresh PVC and blister packs goes straight to the brain. Use this natural endorphin rush to walk briskly to the action figure section. Here is another place you could add walking by going through the girlie shit first. Deep breaths, long strides, you're burning calories here!

© 2003 MillionairePlayboy.comKnees and Hips (250 calories burned)
You arrive in the figure section and by now you've either found exactly what you're looking for, or you've begun to panic. Panic not, this is the opportunity for the height of the work out. Do repetitions of squatting to view the lower shelves, looking behind the peg warmers, and quickly standing again to see the out-of-reach rack. Ten of these cycles ought to be good, unless of course you're looking for a Transformers G1 Optimus Prime Reissue... these were hidden everywhere by scalpers with not enough dough. I recommend exercising in multiple sections.

Cardio (350 calories burned)
You know that rack above the top row of pegs? In some gyms it's a good seven feet off the ground, in others, it's hidden by an easy lift up panel. By jumping quickly in place (utilize the ankles and toes, less of the knees), you can get your heart going and work on your breathing. You know some retailers have stuff up there that they cannot buy for themselves for a set number of days. Foil their greedy ways and give your heart some good exercise.

© 2003 MillionairePlayboy.comMuscle Tone (5000+ calories burned)
With all this exercising you've probably found some really good shit, or you're stranded with nothing. We've all been there, but chin up. Let's say today is the day you've decided that rent isn't really all that important and you've got a real haul. Perfect. With your arms fully loaded (pick up two of each if they're small) walk briskly around the perimeter of the store five to ten times. If your particular store's layout is in aisle format, zigzag the interior by going up one aisle and down the next. This will also piss off the employees.

Cool Down (Part 1) (100 calories burned)
If you've hit a major score today, congrats. If not, skip to Cool Down Part 2. Head for checkout area and pick the longest line. I know dude, it sucks, however the stuff is in your hand, it's not going anywhere. While standing in line, gently rock back and forth on the balls of your heel to get your heart back down at normal operating pace. Also hold your breath to the count of ten and gently exhale. Repeat these steps as you plan where your loot will go... MIB on your wall? Or posed in a pose no one has ever come up with before next to your Marvel Legends Iron Man™?

Cool Down (Part 2) (100 calories burned)
As you leave the store, completely worked out and refreshed, enjoy your cool down walk on the way back to your car. Bonus points if you're burdened with full bags in both hands.

© 2003 MillionairePlayboy.comIf you followed all these steps, you've burned like, a gajillion calories. So now you can tell your girlfriend, your coworkers, and your mother, that you need to go work out at the gym. This garners much better looks than going to the toy store, again. But what do they know? Remember, to see improvement in your health, repeat this routine on a regular schedule. I don't want you goofy bastards dying on me any time soon.

* If you are serious about beginning a work out regime... WTF dude?! Anyway, consult a real doctor... All images are ©2003

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