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The Pad

Shag Fallout Shelter
with Mr. Stinkhead

click hereRecently, the Associated Press reported that US military forces stumbled upon one of Saddam Hussein's hideouts and it was decorated very bachelor pad, Austin Powers style. Sweet.

Besides a sunken kitchen, retro decorations and kitschy nudie paintings on the wall, there was a sizable arsenal, sheet metal welded over the windows and survival provisions. From the AP report:

But this home was different: beanbag chairs, a garden of plastic plants, a sunken kitchen and a room for a servant, all 1960s-style.

The sunken wet bar was stocked with 20-year old Italian red wines and expensive cognacs, brandies and Scotch whiskeys, the same brands found in several presidential palaces.

Just because you live in a state of paranoia (is it paranoia if you think everyone's out to get you and you're right?) doesn't mean you can't do so in style. I did some research, and came up with a nuclear radiation-proof fallout shelter that doesn't skimp on style, and can keep you swingin'... even when you're trapped with the last woman on earth.

First off, you're going to need to make sure your quarters are really radiation-safe. The best source for this info is FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency. They produce complete blueprints for creating fallout shelters from either existing areas of your home, or built from scratch in your backyard. Regretfully, FEMA does not store these documents online for download... but we do. At the end of this document, you will find all the plans necessary, thanks to our friends at the SurvialRing.

click here to download PDFFor our venture, we will use Plan D (pictured on the right), basement location snack bar. You can stock it with peanuts, I'm going the 20-year old Italian red wine route. Click on the image to download the 760K PDF of these blueprints. Remember, these plans are govt. sanctioned as means to protect yourself in the event of nuclear radiation. Follow those directions and install that bar in your basement dammit! You are building this bar for your survival. How can anyone argue with that? The other plus side to this particular plan is that its practical even if there in the small chance of nuclear attack. You can spend a lot of money making an underground bunker and then probably never use it. This thing, you'll probably use every day.

Ok ok, we've got the necessary safety precautions out of the way. Now you need to stock up on supplies. Right around Y2K, many survivalists pointed out that waterbeds are a great way to store water. Waterbed mattresses can store up to 400 gallons. In the event of an emergency, you can make that much water last quite a while. And they're great for setting the mood. Though outdated, they are now novel and may actually help you get that chick into your bed.

What the hell are you going to eat? You could go the Ted Kaxz...Kacs...Kaz.. Unabomber way and stock up on MREs (Meals Ready to Eat). But I've found that you're likely to get some cock-eyed looks stocking up on those. Actually I've heard peanut butter is a great survival food. It contains enough nutrients and insert scientific crap to sustain the body for prolonged periods of time. It also has a longer shelf life than most food. Just keep the foil seal on it and you don't have to worry about it. Not good enough? This link shows you how to turn survival food into party food. I say set up your survival pad, stock it with those foods, and if you haven't had a doomsday level catastrophe, throw a party.

click hereSo Saddam had naked chick paintings all over the walls? We can work this into your survival as well. With a little bit of poking, you can find kitschy 70's matchbook covers online or in antique/collectible stores. I found these beauties in NYC. I picked up a $10 shadow box and spaced out the matchbooks on a piece of black construction paper. You've now turned sub-par 70's porn into art. Click on the frame to see the matchbooks without the glass. Younger viewers, do your homework instead. So anyway, not only do you have cool hip art on your wall, you also have matches. You need matches for when your hibachi doesn't start, or for lighting that beautiful baby's cigarette.

click hereSpeaking of matches, it's a good idea to have candles in case your back-up generator fails. I know, I know... candles and dudes are like sorority girls and diets, we don't mix well. However, I did find at least one acceptable candle, this floater looks like a martini olive.

Though I cannot find one way to BS a survival need for tacky record album art, there is a link to an affordable decorating solution that will keep your fallout pad swank and hip.

Check out our plansOk, so now that you know what you need, here is a proposed layout that not only protects you in the event of nuclear disaster / coup, it also is a great place to entertain the ladies.

The swingin' book Pad shows you more ways to improve your bachelor pad with simple to follow steps for making cool accessories.

Just because you're preparing for a nuclear winter, doesn't mean you have to keep your libido on ice.


FEMA Building Plans

MillionairePlayboy Material Links

Snack Bar plans upgraded for better printing 4.29.03

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