Essential Seven Deceitful Movies

We’re pretty psyched about Terminator Salvation now that we’ve seen the new kick ass trailer, but we’re also a little hesitant… how many times have you seen an amazing trailer and been completely pissed with the end result? Its happened to me more than once. Check out our Essential 7 Movies, that were a total let down after their trailer was so awesome.

7. Mission Impossible

Oh man I had high hopes for this one. You have computer hackery (which was cool validation to us 1990’s BBS users), laser scanners, hot chicks, death defying stunts, Emilio, explosions, and Tom Cruise being blasted off of an exploding helicopter onto a moving train…. in a tunnel. I watched the (80’s update) Mission:Impossible on TV with my dad, and I duh-duh-dum-dum’d the theme song as I ran around our backyard ducking behind picnic tables for countless hours… so I was really excited for this movie. But afterwards I was confused… do I announce that I was completely lost/not impressed with all the double crossing, or did something go over my head? Am I an idiot for not understanding it? Am I an idiot for paying for a ticket?

6. Godzilla (1998)

I was in high school and we were all still buzzing from Jurassic Park. Now that our collective eyes had been opened to what was possible by mixing animatronic and computer wizardry, we were all thinking “Godzilla will be amazing! And its brought to you by the guys behind Independence Day! You can’t go wrong!” (hahahahaha…. seriously… hahahahaha)
I was just poking into the world of anime around this time, so I was soaking up anything and everything Japanese. (for those of you paying attention, I didn’t stay there long… I love Akira and Vampire Hunter D, but not much else) I went to see this on opening night. Sno*caps in hand, ready to have my eyeballs melted right out of their sockets. Instead I left the theater rubbing my brow in disgust and confusion. And Emmerich took all his dollars and hid out in Mexico for awhile. (for real) He then gave us the Patriot and The Day After Tomorrow. I love (apocolpytic) 2012 mythology… but I will be waiting until all reviews to come out before I go see his new movie.

5. Spider-Man III

Spider-Man was phenomenal, Spider-Man II blew my socks off… and then, and then, you add Venom?! This is going to be the most amazing mind blow ever! I’ll need to take a week off of work, I’ll need to turn off my phone, I’ll need to avoid all human contact — just to recover from how much awesome my brain could take in all at one sitting. You have betrayal, transformation, and black ooze. That final shot of Spidey getting picked up by the head is the clincher. How can you fail with a platform like that? Well its easy… add musical numbers.

4. Planet of the Apes (2001)

I love the Planet of the Apes mythology. I suffered through the last couple installments from the 70s but still loved loved loved the first one. Perhaps it was the delicious irony, Heston’s acting, or that Linda Harrison (Nova) is one of the most beautiful women in all Sci-Fi. I have POTA Sideshow figures, I have the Kubricks, and I’m eyeballing DST’s vintage reissues. I loved Tim Burton, and I loved POTA, I couldn’t have possibly foreseen what a rotten movie this was. Hey Burton, keep your damn dirty paws off of my wallet. Not only was the ending “shocker” so stupid that Kevin Smith used it as a joke years in advance, but the entire movie getting up to that point was not very good. I almost didn’t give Burton a shot to redeem himself with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but I did see it and cursed his name again. YOU BASTARD!

3. Star Wars – The Phantom Menace

Three words after that trailer: Oh hells yes. Three words after seeing that movie: DAMN YOU LUCAS. Between the podracer flyover turning into the title and Palpatine saying “Wipe them out… all of them” I was ready to drop whatever I was doing and see that movie right at that freaking second. I contemplated camping out. I plotted out scheduling repeat viewings. I was so foolish then. So naive.

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

After the debacle that was the Prequel Trilogy (see item #6), I was very hesitant about Indy 4. I thought it was a little late. I had given up on George Lucas actually impressing me. Then I saw this trailer. The teaser trailer was nice, but this one showed the real footage. There’s action, explosions, and you get a taste of the “I’m old…” humor. It works. I think they can really pull this off. I think this will be a fun movie, and I think I can get over Shia LeBouf. I think we’re all still recovering from this one…

If you know me, this next one probably isn’t a surprise. I still talk about how let down I was by

1. Matrix Reloaded

I watched this trailer no less than 100 times. The day it was released. I called people over to my desk to watch it in the office. I called people at home minutes after e-mailing the link. This movie was going to change my life. From the Army of Smiths, to the highway chase, to that snaking explosion, to the agent jumping on the hood of the minivan, to the twins…. I loved this trailer more than most movies. I rallied my friends to make a night of dinner, drinking and the movie at a theater downtown, I even thought this movie would make every movie I see thereafter about as exciting as doing taxes. Whoo boy was I wrong. One could argue that nothing could live up to what my brain had anticipated, but they could have at least provided a good movie. Or done my taxes for me.

What movie trailers got you pumped up for an eventual let down?

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will promise not to laugh at your dumb opinion! 😉

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