Essential Seven 80’s Films That Should Never Be Remade

Karate Kid Remake

It’s hard to be a child of the 80’s these days. All of the films that you consider sacred are being “remade” or “reimagined.” Last week the first image of The Karate Kid remake made its way onto the web. The initial negative reaction to the remake made Columbia Pictures to rename the Jaden Smith / Jackie Chan film to the Kung Fu Kid.

So I began to list what other ’80s films are in danger of becoming a remake. If The Karate Kid could be remade, no film is safe from greedy Hollywood producers.  If they were remade, how would these films be different? How would they ruin it? I cry at the thought of any of these films being remade. The list was very long, but I narrowed it down to the Essential Seven.

7) The Goonies

The Goonies

A remake of The Goonies would still be about kids looking for Pirate Treasure, but they would tame it down for a much younger audience. A few things would have to change in the possible remake.  We wouldn’t see the penis break off the statue. Data will be much more inventive with unreal futuristic gadgets. The gang would also have a well trained dog that does tricks, and helps save the day. Set the movie to a few songs by the Jonas Brothers, and chant “Goonies Never Die!” Sadly, if this happened they would.

6) A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story was original. No other Christmas film ever focused on what the kid wanted for Christmas. Holiday films usually focus on some positive message of togetherness or bring Jesus into the picture. Christmas is about toys! Jingle All the Way took that same idea, but failed miserably. If A Christmas Story was remade the first thing to go would be that Ralph wants a B.B. Gun. No toy company would back the merchandise of a toy gun for a film.

5) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

The character of Ferris Bueller would not be in High School if Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was remade. You can bet that the kid would be in middle school. A lot of things would stay the same. The clueless parents, the jealous sister, and of course the wacky principal who searches for Ferris. We wouldn’t see Cameron’s problems or the nurse who likes to fuck. What I can’t wait for is when Ferris would rap at the parade.

4) Caddyshack


The biggest difference a remake of Caddyshack would have is that the film would now be a PG-13. Language and nudity would be gone. The story would also be changed to star Chris Tucker in the Rodney Dangerfield role. The story would have a slight change with the country club not having any African American members. Tucker would begin to change that by bringing his friends along.  You can bet cameo’s would include Snoop Dogg, Tom Arnold, and Paris Hilton.

3) Poltergeist


In my opinion, Poltergeist is one of the scariest films ever made. The scene of the ghosts walking down the stairs, and the guy ripping his face off, terrified me as a kid. Rumors of a Poltergeist remake are already out there. An updated version of the film would probably be darker, and probably take the idea of the cult from Poltergeist 2 instead of the simple graveyard under the house. After all we have to have the creepy preacher!

2) The Breakfast Club

The Breakfast Club

An updated version of The Breakfast Club would have to be much more diverse. The original is filled with to many white people.  The role of Andrew would now be a black football player, while the character of Brian the nerd would be an Asian guy. These are just a few thoughts. That is how Hollywood producers think! If a remake of this film ever happens, it is probably a good thing that John Hughes isn’t around to see it.

1) Back to the Future

Back to the Future

The first decision that will have to be made would be what kind of car would the remake be? The answer to that is which ever car company is willing to pay the most money. With the American car market in the crapper, it would probably be a Toyota. Marty also would now travel back to the year 1985 instead of 1955. Instead of focusing on getting his parents together, Marty will constantly make fun of the styles of the 80’s while also wondering how people lived without a cell phone and the internet. Who would play Marty? Why Zack Efron of course!

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion! ;-)

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