Essential Seven Dumbest G.I. Joe Characters


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra hits theaters today and some of you will be heading to the theaters to watch your childhood G.I. Joe team get raped in the ass by Paramount. However, you can’t just blame Paramount for taking advantage of the G.I. Joe franchise. Hasbro, has been sticking its finger up the ass of G.I. Joe for years. They chose to rape the franchise slowly compared to Paramount’s quick stick it in.  So that is why I would like to provide you with the Essential Seven Dumbest G.I. Joe characters Hasbro has released. Who knows perhaps we will see some of these in the sequel!

7) William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry

Lame GI-Joe William Refridgerator Perry

After the success of placing WWF wrestler Sgt. Slaughter into the G.I. Joe world, Hasbro created NFL great William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry into the 3.5″ plastic form. “The Fridge” was first available as a mail-order offer from Hasbro Direct in late 1986. The action figure was slim and muscular compared to the real life “Fridge” that was just a big fat guy. The dumbest thing about this action figure / character was his football mace chain weapon.

6) Crystal Ball

Crystal Ball

Crystal Ball was the official COBRA Hypnotist. Apparently there was a need for this. His official file card says that he is the seventh son of a seventh son and can “sometimes” read minds. What good is a guy that can only “sometimes” read minds? According to the G.I. Joe Wiki:

Crystal Ball Was the “pegwarmer” of the 1987 assortment, to the extent that he was still on some store shelves as late as 1990.

That would make sense since I never owned this figure.

5) Croc Master

Croc Master

Croc Master’s specialty was just as lame as Crystal Ball’s. Croc Master was the “Official Reptile Trainer” for COBRA. Croc Master made his first appearance on toy shelves in 1987. Each version of the figure included an alligator, which makes you question as to why he wasn’t given the code name Gator Master instead. As a kid, I thought Croc Master had an awesome outfit. As an adult he looks like a guy dressed in S & M wear ready to get spanked. Croc Masters been a bad boy!

4) Eco Warriors


Ah…. save the environment. That is exactly what I wanted my action figures to do. In the early 90’s Hasbro began developing really lame special forces teams such as  Star Bragade and Eco Warriors. Gone was the military theme decor, and in came the brightly colored sci-fi look. This was about the time I stopped collecting.

3) Raptor


The “Official COBRA Falconer”, Raptor sends predatory birds to attack the JOE’s.  He also wears a falcon-head helmet and a winged cape that enables him to fly. Raptor is easily the retarded version of Hawkman. (ok, yes I used this joke two weeks ago, but it applies to this list as well!)

2) Dee Jay

Dee Jay

Dee-Jay’s file card reads:

“Dee-Jay was the baddest, hottest disc jockey in Boston before he signed up for the Battle Force 2000 Team was a former music DJ turned G.I. Joe.”

I think that says it all.

1) Shipwreck

Ship Wreck

For me, Shipwreck was always the dumbest G.I. Joe character.  He always “came off gay” wearing that sailor suit. Shipwreck also never had any cool weapons or specialty. Finally, he was a joke.  The cartoon often portrayed him that way. Because the cartoon didn’t treat him very well I never wanted to own this figure. When I see a Shipwreck action figure, I don’t see A Real American Hero, I see the lost seventh member of the Village People.

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will promise not to laugh at your dumb opinion! ;-)

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