Essential Seven Kevin Smith Characters

Kevin Smith is an amazing writer. The man behind Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Dogma has created a plethora (I love that word) of some of dynamic characters from an apostle to a mallrat to a lesbian!  Attacking this weeks list “Wolvie Berzerk style,” here is the Essential Seven Kevin Smith Characters:

7) Rufus

Portrayed by Chris Rock
He was the 13th apostle who was left out of the Bible for being black, and bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks. To make matters worse Jesus still owes him 12 bucks! Rufas is sent by God to help Bethany, the last apostle, from stopping fallen angles get back into Heaven. If they succeed they will have proven God wrong and undo all creation. Was Wisconsin really that bad?


6) Banky Edwards

Portrayed by Jason Lee
Banky along with his best friend Holden created the comic book Bluntman and Chronic. A closeted tracer (he is just an inker of the book), Banky is jealous of Holden and Alyssa’s relationship weird gay / not gay relationship. Holden decides the only way for them to save the friendship is for all of them to sleep with each other.


5) Silent Bob

Portrayed by Kevin Smith
The quiet, hetero life-mate of Jay is the brains of the pot-selling duo. Silent Bob rarely speaks unless he needs to tell that stupid Amy story. He can usually be found hanging out the Quick Stop smoking a Nailz cigarette.

4) Alyssa Jones

Portrayed by Joey Lauren Adams
Alyssa is the oldest of the infamous Jones sisters. She is a confused lesbian comic book artist who really needs some “deep-dicking.” Her feminist comic, Idiosyncratic Routine, is not very successful because comic book readers only want “Big Pecs, Big Tits, Big Guns.”

3) Jay

Portrayed by Jason Mewes
Spending most of his day standing in front of the Quick Stop, Jay along with his heterosexual lifemate Silent Bob, sells pot to the Leonardo locals. He is infatuated with John Hughes’ films (especially Sixteen Candles), and don’t speak bad of Morris Day and the Time.


2) Brodie Bruce

Portrayed by Jason Lee
Brodie is an unemployed slacker, who lacks any motivation to do anything, but hang out at the mall.  He only cares about comic books and video games. He ignores his girlfriend, paying more attention to the kids disrespecting the escalator. Word of advice, don’t shake his hand!

1) Randal Graves

Portrayed by Jeff Anderson
Randal is the clerk at RST Video, next door to the convenience store Quick Stop.  Randal knows that he works in a dead-end job, but doesn’t really care. He has no respect for customers, and closes the store throughout the day to bullshit with fellow clerk Dante. Randal also has a very strange fetish for shemale porn.


The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion! 😉

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