Essential Seven Star Wars Characters That Should Be Mascots

“Our rivals can’t repel team spirit of this magnitude!” Recently, students at the University of Mississippi started a movement to elect Admiral Ackbar as the University’s new mascot. The Admiral would replace Col. Reb, who was retired in 2003. Sensing a trap by George Lucas to take over the University, school officials have stated that the famed Rebel leader from Mon Calamari doesn’t have a chance. However, support for Ackbar has run deep and wide. Other universities should be paying attention. For those schools looking for a new mascot, here is a list of seven minor Star Wars characters that would make great mascots. (Editor’s note: It will be clear from this article that while we know our Star Wars, our knowledge of sports is limited to what we learned from watching the Major League movies.)

7) Greedo

In sports, everybody loves an underdog. The perfect way to capitalize on this would be to hire Greedo, a mediocre bounty hunter, a bargain basement Bossk, if you will. He talks a good game and seems threatening at first, but then he gets shot in the chest and dies quite quickly. And, of course, he only got a shot off on account of a technicality. However, there is something rather likable about him. In A New Hope, he was our first glimpse of a bounty hunter, and despite getting shot, he still seemed kinda cool. But then, in Empire, we saw a crapload of much cooler bounty hunters and realized that Greedo was kind of lame by comparison. So, word of advice: bring Greedo out before the rival team’s mascot, because even next to a guy in a giant bear suit he’ll pale by comparison.

6) Yarna d’al Gargan

If we learned anything from the “Dancin’ Homer” episode of The Simpsons sports fans love mascots that can dance! So, to get the fans moving in the bleachers, hire Yarna d’al Gargan, the large, six-breasted dancer from Jabba’s palace! Sure, she has six breasts and can only dance to one song by the Max Rebo Band, but the kids will have a great time.

5) Jar Jar Binks

Okay, truth-telling time: mascots are annoying, and if you’re over the age of five, you’re either paying attention to the players, the hot cheerleaders, or even the band. But, while Jar Jar’s clumsy antics, garbled speech, and slapstick humor appeared out of place in a Star Wars movie, they would work well in a sports arena. He would make a really annoying mascot, which means that we would ignore him for several hours. That sounds good to me.

4) The Rancor Keeper

Male sports fans can really identify with this guy. Consider this: he’s got a bitchin’ beer gut, he’s shirtless, and he weeps when things don’t go his way or when a Jedi kills his big monster friend. (Editor’s note: Hmmm, is this a penis reference?) On top of that, he could perform a killer half-time show in which a giant gate at the rear of the stadium lifts up to reveal a fierce Rancor. For the finale, the Rancor eats members of the opposing team’s marching band.

3) Jek Porkins

For those teams with aviation-related names, like The Flyers or The Jets, this portly Rebel pilot would be the perfect mascot! (Editor’s note: Hey, those are specific team names! I’m impressed.) Granted, he didn’t really do anything in Star Wars except scream and get blown up. So, he may not be able to dance, tumble, or do that Arsenio Hall fist pump thing; however, he’ll certainly look the part.

2) Salacious Crumb

You thought we were going to go with one of the Ewoks, huh? No way. Mascots are annoying, but they can still be annoying and kind of cool at the same time. This guy would be great. I can totally picture him sitting on top of a fat tuba player’s big hat, cackling away at jokes that only he gets.

1) Lando Calrissian

Okay, this is an unconventional choice, to be sure. However, a galactic pimp has the necessary experience. He’s classy, smooth, and personable. Plus, he has a cape. How many mascots have a cape? None. (Editor’s note: Now he has specific knowledge of the number of mascots with capes?!? He has clearly never watched an actual football game all the way through!) Some would say that a galactic pimp is inappropriate for team sports, as Lando looks out for number one and number one only. However, Lando’s no nonsense demeanor would send a message to the other teams: if you mess with us, we’ll call our cyborg butler and a bunch of guards to come and shoot your asses with laser guns!

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion! ;-)

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