Essential Seven Superhero Sexual FAQ

Call me a pervert, but this is an important topic for us geeks. Kevin Smith first asked these questions in his film Mallrats. Stan Lee pleaded innocent of these things when questioned by Brodie. The fact of the matter is that superhero’s have personal lives. They like to bang like all of us. It just happens that they have abilities us mortals don’t have. So here are the Essential Seven Superhero Sexual Frequently Asked Questions:

7) Does Dark Knight Batman Use His Growly Voice in Bed?

Christian Bale’s portrayal of Batman included a growly voice when ever he spoke. So you have to wonder when things start getting rough in the bedroom does he start talking dirty with that voice? “Say my name when you do that!”

6) Does Wolverine Scratch During Sex?

Wolverine’s adamantium claws can really do some damage, especially if he scratches during sex. It’s not that hard to believe that a guy who wears a tight yellow spandex outfit might get kinky in bed.

5) Will Wonder Woman Let You Tie Her Up With the Lasso of Truth?

Wonder Woman comes from a world torn by the hatred of men. So the real question would be does she like to be tied up during sex? My guess is that the answer is yes. After fighting for woman’s equality all day she probably likes it when the man dominates her for a while. Don’t cheat on her; she will find out. It is called the lasso of truth!

4) Can Flash Hold Out Long in Bed?

This is a no brainer. The Flash doesn’t have a premature ejaculation problem. He just thrusts like a mad man. He could control his speed, but The Flash is a selfish lover.

3) Can Spider-Man Sense When Mary Jane is Finished?

Men never really knows what a woman wants. We just do things to a woman until we get some sort of reaction. Spider-Man, though, has an advantage over all of us. His spider sense! He can sense danger. This includes when a woman is not getting hers. We have all been there.

2) If Superman Busts a Nut, Would He Kill Lois Lane?

Mallrats answered this question too. Brodie believed that the only way he wouldn’t kill Lois was to wear a kryptonite condom. That would kill him. I disagree. That would be true if he was trying to impregnate a girl, but I would think Superman would be able to pull out quickly. He is faster than a speeding bullet. Unlike the Flash, Superman has been known to care about the woman. He cries a lot.

1) Can Mister Fantastic Stretch His Penis?

Mister Fantastic is blessed. No not because he is a genius and has a super hot wife. He is blessed because he “can” have the biggest penis in the world. No guy can compete with a him. So yes Mister Fantastic can stretch his penis. The real question is can he have sex with the invisible woman from another room?  That is also a possibility if Susan is in the mood. When she isn’t she puts up a force field in her vagina.

The Essential Seven is a weekly list of seven items that we at believe needs to be identified. Want our opinion on a topic for a future list? Email Lando Da Pimp. Don’t agree with our list? Then leave a comment. We will try not to laugh at your dumb opinion! ;-)

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